Radically falling in love: Self-Love, Self-Care, and Self-Pleasure
Falling in love and unfolding in the whole self has been a lifelong journey, and as I navigate my late 50s, I’m continuously in awe of the depth that this process reveals. There’s an innate wisdom that activates in the skin, the mind, and the spirit as we grow older, especially when we begin to peel back the layers of conditioning, like embedded guilt and shame. Lifes’ stages bring forth different qualities, and each one invites us to meet ourselves anew.
I remember being 20 years old and pregnant, unsure and totally insecure as to how I would ever be ready to be a mother. I didn’t know what I was doing with my own life, let alone to care for another. But, shazam, as if by some magic, my body/mind shifted, potent chemistry took place, activations within the system unfolded and a maturation in motherhood emerged. It wasn't to say perfection in being a mother, but this miraculous process gave the capacity to give motherhood a good crack. There were certain qualities that awoke in this mosh of chemistry and awareness. The same can be said of menopause and any major transitions that move us into different phases of life. I have discovered there are specific activations that come alive in the skin of a woman in these pivotal processes- a womb magic, if you will. The experience that unfolds is something that when we approach ourselves with curiosity and awareness, we allow conditioned patterns to fall away and new pathways to emerge, the new, spontaneous and authentic expression can show itself. Unique to the vessel called you.
Yet, for so long, ageing in the Women's sleeve has had a bad rap. We’ve masked our menstrual cycles with drugs, ignored the blessing of bleeding, disconnected from the transformative process of menopause, while neglecting the potential wisdom that resides within these experiences. I spent decades hating how I looked and acted—too wrinkly, too fat, too loud. My body never seemed to fit the mould I believed I was supposed to fit. It was always too much or not enough. This mindset of lack, fueled by a fear of my own power, conditioned me to reject the essential beauty that lay within us all.
But now, I’m discovering the power of my own juices, my own flow—an embodied wisdom that ignites from truly embracing every aspect of myself, the good, the bad, the ugly. The more I get real with this crackin vessel I call Marie Louise, the more I realise the capacity for joy, creativity, and vibrancy is something that can be cultivated. This is the gift of exploring self-love and self-care, initiated through self-pleasure. And it’s a gift that can awaken at any age, but in my view, gets better with age, especially when we’re willing to explore it with open eyes and an open heart.
As women, our bodies are vessels of creation, not just biologically, but in every sense of the word. Our wombs hold immense creative potential, yet we’re taught to reject, hide, and disconnect from them. We’re conditioned to see bleeding as gross, our tummies as unattractive, and our vaginas as something that must be "fixed" or reshaped to fit an ideal. The manifestation of illness in the sexual organs shows the momentum of such imbalance within the collective. But what if we reframe these beliefs? What if, instead of annihilating our bodies with judgement, distaste and criticism, we learn to honour them as divine in process and radically fall in love?
For me, the process of age and the pathway through menopause has been a time of profound awakening. It has required me to get raw and real with myself, to let go of opinions, self-abuse, and to embrace radical self-love. It’s been a journey of feeling fully—embracing the fire, the rage,the shame, the gifts, the joy, the ecstasy, and everything in between. In the process of age, I’ve had to face my many masks of dissonance and history of trauma, which was wrapped up in denial and avoidance. I was abused throughout my childhood and for years, my body operated on survival mode. I then unconsciously became my worst abuser. I numbed myself, avoided my sensations, and fundamentally disconnected from my own pleasure.
The experience of abuse shaped a deep subjective, societal condition of oppression and suppression within my body/mind expression, and it took conscious attention to recognise and address the shadows and potential gifts that lay within the skin. These tendencies had once served my body during traumatic times, helping me to survive. However, they no longer served my system in the pursuit of living a full, vibrant, soulful life. The recognition of my addiction to fear in all its forms, constructed walls or weights of limitation. This required immense courage to confront these walls I had unconsciously built in the skinsuit of conditioning—a limitation from the fabulous force of feminine energy. I had to unlearn and relearn. I had to learn how to receive without expectation, and how to give unconditionally. For years, I had fortified myself with mechanisms that protected me, but ultimately hinder my growth. These survival reflexes needed to be cracked open, unlearned, so that I could expand and truly experience life in all its richness, colours and flavours……. I recognise these patterns are not exclusive to the abused, they lay deeply in the collective consciousness in which we all marinate, this imbalance shows itself in dis-ease and dysfunction for all masculine and feminine expressions.
What has self pleasure to do with it?
As I’ve worked through the somatic layers of trauma and condition while inviting the gift of process, I’ve uncovered new pathways of intimacy with myself. I’ve learned that self-pleasure is not just about physical satisfaction—it’s about reclaiming joy, vitality, and life force. When we activate self-pleasure with intention, we cultivate powerful biochemical shifts that nourish our bodies, heal our wounds, and restore our vibrancy. We become our own chemists, creating the medicine our systems need. No matter what stage of life we are in, on the woman's pathway, calibration of harmonics in the system, allows for the balance of hormones and biochemical patterns to optimise its innate intelligence. Getting connected opens the door.
For many of us, self-pleasure comes with a history of shame. We’re taught that it’s wrong, dirty, or indulgent. But what if we saw it for what it truly is—a natural, healthy expression of learning about our creative energy? When we embrace our sexual energy as women, we tap into a well of longevity, creativity, magnetism, and wellness. This pool and portal has the most transformative effects on the body…….This energy is infinite—and the cool thing is, it only grows the more we engage with it.
In my own life, exploring the intimacy of my whole self has been supported by the act of exploring pleasure, presence and play. I’ve had to break free from the patterns of dissociation that once ruled my bedroom and my life. By reconnecting with the sensations in my body—particularly in my vagina—I’ve become more sensitive, more alive, and more aware in every area of my life. I’ve learned that the masks I wore in the world were a reflection of the disconnection I felt within myself. As I re-sensitised to my body, I re-sensitised to life.
In this pathway of self-discovery, one of the habits of history I had to confront, was the suboptimal automated patterns of thrusting and performance I had adopted in the sexual arena.The distorted understanding on what sex should look like, comes from many places, beliefs childhood, media, movies and embedded cultural patterns in the consciousness of the collective. These patterns supported a numbing effect in the vaginal wall, cutting me off from the fullness of sensations and intimacy that were possible. Becoming sensitive to the subtlety of these sensations required a process of unlearning and learning to fire and wire, not just my attention, but also the electrical currents of life force within my body in awareness. I saw how my reflexes that worked when I was young were still in operation, my distaste of my body was still playing out, my body was like a well oiled machine of automated responses that no longer served its growth. The exploration for something new became an intentional practice of being present to these sensations, facing fears, feeling fully and allowing more of life to be felt and experienced.
The more awareness I brought to the subtle regions of the vaginal canal, the more sensitive I became to the life force that was awakening throughout my whole body. Old clusters of cortisol and adrenaline released in the process of allowing energy to move through the body untethered. No judgement, no holding on, just allowance and receivership. This process not only heightened physical sensations, but also unlocked gifts and insights, awakening a deeper connection to wholeSELF in life. I came to recognise that the numbing actions I had previously relied on were not supportive of the full, ecstatic experience of being alive in my whole skin. Through this sensitivity, a new level of awareness emerged. There is literally an opening of the womb, the mind and heart, a coherence of expression that cultivates more life force Allowing for a richer, more vibrant, and intimate connection to both myself and the world around me.
How does shame affect our ability to receive?
A vessel that operates under the weight of shame cannot fully experience joy. Shame’s somatic embodiment closes the beauty of all lifes’ qualities. Shame shuts all functions of psychological, emotional and physical growth down. Our mind cannot be open to new mechanics or information and that shutdown acts like a numbing agent. When we learn to lean into the shame sensations, a portal of awareness can open the body up. The momentum of its energy acts like a flush through the system, when felt, exposing the gift of process. We also have the capacity to support the shift of shame by consciously cultivating joy. Self-pleasure is one powerful pathway to do this. When we give ourselves permission to experience pleasure, we activate the chemistry of joy in our bodies, the energy of ecstasy acts like a high pressure cleaner, washing away and purifying debris that was once embedded in the skin. This byproduct of pleasure has profound ripple effects on our immune system, health, relationships, and the world around us.
This journey of self-love and self-care is not just about the individual—it’s about the collective. We live in a world that has oppressed and shamed the sexual, the ecstatic, and the aged. To shift this dynamic, we can take responsibility for ourselves, creating the sovereignty and self governance necessary to ripple these new patterns within the ecosystem of our relative life. Choosing to embrace radical self-love as a pathway to healing, health and happiness, cultivates a reverberation in the field in which we live, effecting the consciousness of the society at large. Who wouldn’t want more love in the world.?
This is a journey of falling in love with the whole self—the good, the bad, the light, the dark. When we stop rejecting parts of ourselves, we allow our full expression to emerge. By embracing the erotic energy within our bodies, we tap into a portal of dynamic, vibrant life force. We reclaim our power, not just as sensitive beings, but as creators, healers, and leaders. Exposing our unique gifts in the world of creation.
This courageous attention is something I believe would benefit us all, no matter what age you are. It is where we become aware where we are operating on autopilot and where we can become more sensitive to the presence of life itself. This is where we choose to let go of limiting reflexes. Can it be challenging? Does it take effort? Can it be uncomfortable? Yes yes and yes. Is it worth it? Is it liberating? Does it juice up your life in more ways than you could imagine? Yes yes yes. We all carry survival tendencies, often unconscious, and to shift from merely surviving to thriving, it requires learning to look at the shadows of our personas, lean into our gifts and dance with the electricity of life at this moment . Presence to the juices of life isn’t just a state of mind—it’s a state of being, where we can feel, touch, and embody the friggin awesomeness of being alive in this moment rather than simply existing in it. The act of self-pleasure is an act of radical self-love allowing walls that once served us to dismantle and crumble. In exploring intimacy with ourselves, we uncover the potential for a more ecstatic, alive, and connected existence. In my view, this is our birthright.
This is an invitation to be curious about your body, your wildness, your own life force, and to give yourself the space to explore what truly lives within you. In doing so, you may crack open your experience in freedom, joy, and vitality that have been waiting for you all along. Let the wisdom of age awaken and bear its fruits of truly living in what has essentially been here all along.
Dive in and Cultivate Your Ecstatic Life
Become aware of your body. Engage in practices that ground you in your skin and awaken your senses. Feel, feel and feel again.
Do yin yoga—the art of receiving and allowing. Yin yoga encourages a softening of the body, engagement of breath, releasing tension and welcoming a deep, somatic process of allowance.
Dance, dance, and dance again. Move your body with joy and abandon self criticism and judgement. Dance is a pathway to liberation and release, a way to shake off old energies and invite in the new in form.
Fuel your life with joyful experiences. Surround yourself with what brings you joy and beauty, whether it’s music, art, movement, or time spent with loved ones. If you don't know what that is. Small steps of stepping into that which makes you smile can guide your pathway of inspired action.
Get amongst the water. Water is fluid and deeply connected to emotion. Let it move, morph, cleanse, and clarify your body and soul.
Do inner child and mirror work. These practices help you reconnect with parts of yourself that need nurturing, forgiveness, and love. Learn what it means to lean into your shadow - this is a doorway to shine.
Masturbate and practice presence. When self-pleasuring, bring your full awareness to the experience. Tune in to the sensations and be fully present, cultivating a deeper relationship with your body. Become curious about being soft and sensual to the vaginal wall, explore the clitoris with awareness and breath, practice saying ‘yes’ to yourself. When you give yourself excuses if you don't have enough time etc. Give yourself a smile and do it anyway.
When you are in the bedroom with a partner, notice when you slip into autopilot. Invite a new kind of dance—one that requires presence, curiosity, and intentional touch. Get curious and exploitative about the other and yourself.
Watch the words you say to yourself. Be mindful of your internal dialogue. Notice any negative self-talk and challenge it with compassion, love and understanding. Build your affirmation list and feel it as though it’s true.
Recognise your darker self-talk. Write it down. Sit with it. Instead of pushing these thoughts away, feel and ask what it wants from you, begin to fall in love with these parts of yourself—they are often the portals of your gifts to experience more of life..
Laugh, laugh, and laugh again. Laughter is medicine. Allow yourself to laugh freely and often, even at yourself. Celebrate yourself, play with the practice of laughing for no reason. Feel your body shift.
Do your inner work. Connect with your emotions, especially the ones that are raw—rage, wildness, grief. We have suppressed so much of ourselves, especially the emotions society deems unacceptable. Create environments where you can safely explore and express all that you feel—this invites more depth and arousal into your life. Create a safe space where you can express and release them. Whether it's through movement, breathwork, or primal screams, allow yourself to feel fully.
Take on a conscious breath practice: There are many techniques that support release and allow for whole body/mind awareness. These techniques are powerful and support the central nervous system reboot, rewire and recalibrate. Inviting new ways of playing in the world
By leaning into these practices, you cultivate a deeper love for yourself, one that nourishes your body, mind, and spirit. This is the foundation of living an ecstatic, joyful, and embodied life.